Have you ever had one of those moments where you are reading or writing, and your mind just wanders off and reflects on your life? The things you’ve done, the present, the future, everything. Mine did, only it happened when I was jogging in a race this weekend. 6 miles isn’t very far, but I did a lot of thinking in the 1.25 hours it took me to finish. I’m 27, I feel like I’m at that age where I’m in the middle of everything. What is my future going to look like? Not just my tomorrow, but 5-10 years from now? Since I was thinking about this, I figured I needed to make some changes in my already happy life, but I didn’t know where.
My first thought was that here I am, in this race alone with nothing but my thoughts and the pounding of my feet down the middle of Market Street to keep me company. And I am perfectly content with that. In 10 years when I’m still jogging and working out alone, I will still be okay with that. No changes needed in this part of my life.
Next I thought about careers and jobs. Did I make the right choices in college? Is this the right career path for me? I’m never going to be Donald Trump, but that was never my mention. I love my career path. My current job(s) are good for me now, and when/if I need to, I can branch out to other areas. Could I be happy doing this in 10 years? Absolutely, no changes needed in this part.
I thought about outlets, those things we do to work out frustration, anger, these could be hobbies as well. I’m always picking up new hobbies and activities, it keeps things fresh and gives me a variety of ways to keep myself in check. This blog is a good example. I love my willingness to try new things and to keep those things that I love doing. In 10 years will I still be happy with the outlets I have? Yes definitely. Will I still be happy developing new ones? Yes, but they probably won’t be as active or wild as some of the things I do now. That’s okay, in 10 years I will still be happy being this way. No changes needed regarding my outlets.
My mind then went to one of those places I don’t like to venture into…relationships. If anything has to change, it’s going to be here, and I secretly knew that. Just in case there is any confusion, I’m not talking about family and friend relationships. I’ve been happy overall with this part of me. I’ve had a wide range of experiences, dated men of many different backgrounds, learned countless things while in relationships. I know a lot of people around my age are married and some with children, about 90% of my friends are. I’ve been proposed to a few times, engaged once, but something inside me was running the other way. I don’t think I’m afraid of commitment, I have no trouble being faithful to a man. I’ve had serious relationships that have lasted for years with no major problems. Can I see myself married? Yes, but it has to be to the best guy out there for me. I don’t settle, I’m picky, and I don’t want to get married tomorrow. Do I know what I want? Yes, but am I ready to actively go after it? No. Bingo, there’s something that needs to change.
I like choices, selection, meeting new men. They all have their good and bad attributes, but they work for whatever it is I’m needing them for now, whether it’s a date, activity partner, practice, etc. In my mind if I just choose a random guy, who knows if he’s the best out there for me? What if there is one better? What if Brad Pitt asks me to go steady the next day? Hah, kidding. But there is someone on my mind who has no idea I exist who is unattainable(much like Mr. Pitt)for me. He isn’t a celebrity though, just a regular, cool guy. He needs to vanish from my daydreams before I could be any good for a man. Another thing to work on, must cut out fantasies involving off-limits daydream intruder.
After realizing this about myself, I’ve decided to be intentionally single. I want to just focus in on what I seriously want, why I want those things, and have a clear vision in my mind for it before I go back on the dating trail again. I’m going hard-core single, no dating, no boyfriends, no new men, I got rid of my activity partners(oh lord help me! I’ve jumped off the deep end), any advances I get in the store will be turned down, flirting with random new men will be drastically reduced. My dating site profiles will be changed to “looking for friends only”, and the other I will temporarily hide/deactivate. I just can’t do it now because if I do then I won’t get a refund. 2 more days and 1 more email to a guy and I can hide it. I will change my profile on there and make it as empty as possible. Lastly, I need an ending time. Something that I can stick to, something long enough for me to get a clear picture of what I want. A month sounds reasonable for me personally. At least a good attempt and then I can re-evaluate it and see if I need to go longer or if I feel like I have a clear picture in my mind.
Let’s make it official: I, Amanda S., am officially hardcore intentionally single for the next month/4weeks starting 10/19/2010. In this time my mission(s) will be worked on and remedied as best to my knowledge, skills, and will-power. I will stick to and adhere to the rules I have created and not try to find loopholes and/or “wiggle room”. Failure to do so will result in the loss of…hah, nothing. I’m not going to punish myself for it, the punishment will be me gaining nothing from this experiment. I won’t let that happen.
There, it’s said, done, and published. Deep breath…exhale…again…go find Gypsy to talk about this. This is serious business.
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